Three, bloody hours of women acting like junior high children on national television (and running concurrently with the college football national championship) was in store for anyone who tuned into ABC on Monday night. It was the first of several Bachelor Mondays, which I can only assume millions of Americans use as an excuse to drink copious amounts of wine during the workweek and send hundreds of text messages in their respective group chats.
This season of The Bachelor will send Colton Underwood on his quest for love. And he has 30 women in which to find it with.
We were introduced to a few of those women during the second segment of the semi-live-three-hour special, including 2013 Red Oak graduate Demi Burnett, 23, as well as my early favorite Cassie, a 23-year-old speech pathologist from somewhere in California.
There was also a professional dancer, Hannah from Alabama, a Hispanic woman from Florida, another Cali single who has never been kissed and one potential bride who would “pull out all of the tricks” in bed if chosen by Underwood.
They all also had one thing in common: Each woman commented on Underwood's still-intact virginity. It was a trend that continued throughout the show — often.
Burnett compared premarital sex to tasting cupcakes, questioning how someone could know they enjoyed chocolate cupcakes if he or she had only had vanilla or strawberry. She then claimed to be a “damn confetti cake.” So there’s that.
We also learned that Burnett’s mother is in a federal prison for embezzlement but will soon be released, and maybe even as soon as the “Hometown Visits,” which is when the bachelor visits the hometowns of his final four (or maybe three, I’m still learning).
During his pre-limo reveal interview thing, Underwood informed America that he was ready to lose that virginity to Becca in The Fantasy Suite during his time on The Bachelorette. He also told those watching that he isn’t necessarily waiting for marriage or a wedding ring before, well, losing it, either.
“I’m just looking for that right someone,” he said on camera.
Right. So, there’s that.
By the time we finally made the trip to The Bachelor mansion we had already suffered through several live spots at three different watch parties across the country and watched some random guy propose to a random woman on live TV (she said yes).
The first limo finally arrived and I’ll be dang if Demi Burnett was not the first one to step out.
“I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, but I am ready to give it another shot,” said Burnett in a yellow dress.
“Oh boy, I am in trouble,” Underwood said as Burnett walked into the mansion.
One by one, America was then introduced to the other 29 women after Underwood’s heart. Each woman took her shot at a witty pick-up line.
Cassie, still the early favorite, brought the guy a box of fake butterflies and dumped them out of a shoebox. He even kept one.
One woman then proceeded to pop a red balloon and inform Underwood that she just “popped his cherry,” while another pulled out a V-card and informed the bachelor that she just, in fact, took his.
Again. The overwhelming theme of the first episode, if not the entire season, was quite evident: Colton Underwood is a virgin. No need to make a note of that; they’ll remind you.
But even with all of the random languages or police car arrivals or continued virginity jokes, Bri “the Aussie” took top honors.
The woman faked an Australian accent. Ten points awarded for creativity.
Editor’s note: For the sake of my own relationship and because she knows how to read, I’ll leave the physical assessments of the 30 women up to the viewers. All 30 women are certainly capable of having a couple thousand Instagram followers.
Thirty minutes after our Red Oak hopeful stepped out of the limo, Underwood was informed by Chris Harrison, the show’s host, that it was time to hand out the “first impression rose” to one of the 30 women he had just met.
BUT NOT BEFORE DEMI GRABBED THAT MAN FOR A ONE-ON-ONE.
After their talk on an outdoor patio chair, Burnett said she could “definitely tell” that Underwood had a crush on her because of “the look in his eye.”
However, it wasn’t Burnett who landed the first smooch. Nope. Miss North Carolina took that honor a little later in the show.
There was then a sloth in a tree, a slow dance with a small orchestra playing in the background, fishing for salmon in the swimming pool and several interrupted one-on-ones. The latter did not sit well with the women who had to share their time with Underwood.
This is when the proverbial gloves came off and peak cattiness ensued; especially after one contestant interrupted for a second time as we entered hour three of the premiere.
Catherine was on the s**** list of 29 other women, for sure. And then she cut in for a third time for her fourth one-on-one with the bachelor.
Bad move, Cat. Bad move. Maybe?
Underwood was then shown on a couple more one-on-ones, including with early-favorite Cassie who he 100-percent wanted to lock lips with while learning sign language, before finally awarding the first-impression rose to gold-dress Hannah.
I don’t remember where she was from or what she did for a living (and I was taking notes). That was 90 minutes ago, so how he remembered is beyond me.
Our first tears of the season came on the very next TV clip, for those keeping score at home.
When the roses where finally being passed out, it took a few names, but homegrown Demi Burnett “happily” accepted a rose. Which means there will be another one of these recaps next week.
Oh, and you know that old saying that states something along the lines of persistence paying off? Catherine, Ms. Can I Steal You For a Minute, received the final rose of the season premiere.
See ya next week.
Travis M. Smith, @Travis5mith